Marital Communication 101- Session Four

May 16, 2022

Pastor Ken Brown Jr

Hi, this is pastor ken, welcome to another addition of the Monday Marriage Message as we continue to explore Marital Communication 101. There have been more than a few occasions when someone sitting in my office for counseling has voiced that they “Just tell it like it is”. This is most often said with two insinuations. First that their straightforwardness is a form of honorable truthfulness, and so I should not try to dissuade them from utilizing it. Second they usually mean for me to understand that this is simply the way they are, and I would do well to refrain from suggesting they could, should, or would change. Some have tried to drive home the point that they are fine to continue to “shoot straight” by explaining that the fact that they do isn’t really even their responsibility, because their dad or mom were that way too. I often wonder to myself if these are the same people who tell their children “It’s not what you say but how you say it that matters.”? Are they eager to have others “Tell them like it is” in a no-nonsense, unloving, and disrespectful way? Somehow, regardless of how they might defensively answer such a question in that moment, I have my doubts. Nothing is stopping any of us, from telling anyone, (even our spouse) anything we want to, in any way we desire…but understand this, nothing is stopping them from tuning us out either. As I mentioned last week, successful communication has two components; speaking and listening. We are free (for the most part) to say anything we want to, in any way that we see fit in the moment. However, it may not garner the desired result because our speaking has little effect if the one we are speaking to is not listening. Imagine you had a neighbor who only spoke Russian. If you only spoke English, you would either have to learn some Russian in order to communicate effectively or choose to be frustrated by a lack of mutual understanding. If the two of you desired the results of your interactions to be high levels of communication, undoubtedly both of you would need to learn some of each other’s mother tongue. If we take the scenario a little further and imagine that the two of you are the only human beings left on the planet, the compulsion to learn each other’s vernacular would increase dramatically. In a sense, the oneness of the marital relationship does exclude the two of you from all other humanity. Obviously you each have the ability to speak with others, but no one else on the planet matters to you as much as your spouse. Think this isn’t so? Why then do we get frustrated with our spouse’s inability to understand us to such a higher degree than anyone else? The fact is that we can handle a lack of understanding with others and maintain a level of patience. When it comes to our spouse however that same supply of self-control proves to be elusive. This is only problematic because we innately understand that our spouse is the one other person on the planet we should be able to count on to want to understand us. God’s word speaks to this very problem. In one small scripture it points out both gender’s natural languages. If we are willing to learn how to speak even a small amount of the other’s native tongue, we will enable our spouse to hear and understand us better than ever before. I am sure it hasn’t escaped either of you that there are times when it seems as if as soon as one of you begins to speak (especially about a touchy subject) frustration erupts on your spouse’s part, and you are left wondering what you said wrong. Remember the illustration I used a few moments ago about the neighbors? As you can imagine, if you approached your Russian neighbor about a problem and began speaking in English and they knew you had spoken with them in Russian before, but you refused to now, obviously they would become frustrated with you. If you recall in several of my earlier episodes on this topic I mentioned that some of the frustration spouses incur as a result of failed communication comes from the remembrance that they were able to communicate freely when they were dating. Your spouse knows that you know some of their native language, and they become frustrated because you aren’t bothering to use it when communicating with them. As I said a moment ago, scripture speaks to this. Ephesians 5:33 in the New Living Translation says: So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. This verse tells us what each other’s natural language is. It also instructs us to use this language when trying to communicate with one another. Remember, communication has many levels additional to words. If as a husband I make sure that my body language insinuates that I am approaching my wife in love, she will be receptive. I also need to make sure that my tone, volume, and words also are congruent with a loving nature. If I do these things she will listen to anything I might have to say and will try her very best to understand my perspective. Likewise, this scripture notes that if she wants me to hear her and try to understand her point of view it has to be served in a manner I will find respectful. This can be very difficult to accomplish especially if our recent experience trying to successfully communicate has been anything but successful. I can assure you however, it is correct and sound advice because it comes from the source of all truth and wisdom, God’s own word. When you think about it, this is why communication with one another was so easy when you were dating. This is why you could talk for hours and find it such a rewarding experience. You knew intuitively how to communicate then, and you did so without reservation. I don’t totally understand why saying “I do” causes a form of amnesia to set in. What I do know is that the ability to speak each other’s language still exists, and will still have the same effect on your communication that it once did, if you will dust it off and begin using it again. Questions to Answer: 1. Do you recognize that your spouse doesn’t use the same language of communication with you in marriage that was once seemingly so easy for them when you were dating? 2. Do you recognize that this same form of amnesia has likely also inhibited your ability to communicate with your spouse? 3. Are you willing to re-learn your spouse’s native language to be able to effectively communicate with one another going forward? Actions to Take: 1. In a ‘judgement-free-zone’ discuss a recent failure to communicate, and talk about why communication broke down as it relates to your native languages of love and respect. 2. While still in the ‘zone’ tell each other about communication triggers that you each employ that are harmful to mutual understanding and what alternatives would likely be received more positively. 3. Commit to one another right now that you are willing to re-learn to communicate in a positive way because the desired outcome is so important to you. So now, recapturing the enjoyment of successful marital communication by making the effort to speak to your spouse in their own language…Go be Awesome!